Cracking the Door Open

Hey, I'm gay.
I've finally come to a point in my life where I can at least admit that to myself. The problem is, admitting it to others.

So, I'm in the closet. 
That sounds very unlike me. "In the closet." But it is me for the moment. I mean, I'm not in self denial. I'm not praying for this to go away anymore, and I'm not dating girls or hoping it's just a faze. I know I'm gay. I like being gay. I like to kiss dudes.

But at the same time, no one knows. Well, actually, 3 people know:

-The Blood Donor Lady
She was the absolute first person that I "legitimately" came out to. I say legit because I verbally admitted  having sex with men to her. It was a cathartic moment for me, that ended up a bit traumatic. (That story will be in another blog.)

-My Counselor
The woman I see in therapy is so kind. And really encouraging. I'm so glad I have the opportunity to speak with her. Having someone to talk to outside the door, makes the closet a little less lonely.


-My Mother
I wrote her a letter, and cried. She said she loved me, but didn't believe me.

There's another category in terms of people that know I'm gay, but I don't count them. It's the dozen or so sexual partners I've had. Nothing concrete. Purely sexual for the most part. I've used other men, and they've used me. I always hated myself after. Not because of the act of having sex with another man. But the thought of doing it without any emotional attachment. Barely knowing the person. Having only met through pictures and emails. Maybe a few texts. It's disgusting. But it's how I survive. I seek love in the form of sex, and it's getting me nowhere. I need to change things up rather quickly. Hopefully, this blog will be the start. Hopefully, you people will happen upon this blog and read the things I have to say. Some things may be hard to hear. Others may bring tears to your eyes or joy to your heart. Either way, I hope you'll. . . well, I just hope you read it.