IT'S BEEN TOO LONG
Wow, going on three months now without posting anything new. Fore shame. :-( But now it's 3:33 AM and I'm supposed to be writing a radio commercial for class, but I think I'll do this instead and hate myself in the morn. Well, later this morning. I guess it's good that I took a break because I have so much to talk about now.
LE BOYFRIEND
So I've been seeing this guy. The guy I talked about in the last post. If I had to describe the relationship so far I guess I would have to say it's like "Sleepless in Seattle." But not. He's this really cute guy. He's mixed (black and white) a little rough around the edges. Masculine but sensitive, and he's a bit of a geek. He likes video games and stuff. We clicked instantly. And the first date. . . was magical (excuse the cliche). I know I told you a bit about the first date in my last blog, but here's a few more details.
THE FIRST DATE
We met online, Craigslist of all places (don't judge me :-o) and we texted and talked on the phone for a few days. Then met in an OPEN PUBLIC PLACE. (I'm desperate, not stupid.) We walked around the mall. I was so smooth. I bought two pairs of jeans that were on sale ($55 for them both, a bargain!). They came with a pair of cool headphones for free so I asked him, "Which do you think I should get." He picked some out and when we got outside I presented them to him as a gift. He was taken aback and blushed a little bit. It was a really nice moment. After that we had dinner. Then saw a movie.
In exchange for the headphones, he bought me dinner and paid for my movie ticket. It was so cute how he stumbled around pulling crumbled up dollars from his pocket. I could tell he didn't have a lot of money, but he wanted to pay for me. So I let him.
After the movie, there wasn't much left to do. The mall was closed and we weren't hungry. So we just rode around the city in my car. We rode and talked for probably at least an hour. We would ride over the hills really fast, pretending it was a roller coaster. How wonderfully lame were we. But I loved every second. At the red traffic lights we would stop and feel the tension in the air. I wanted to hold his hand. To touch him. But I didn't want to seem too forward. And let it be known, this was my first real date with a guy.
Eventually, he felt guilty for spending my time and gas, and told me to take him back to his car. It was in the parking lot, now empty, save one or two cars, including his. I pulled up next to his beat up little Buick.
"Well, I guess this is it." he said
"Yeah, I had fun tonight."
"Me, too."
As he reached for the door handle I called to him.
"So can I have a hug?"
"Can I have a kiss?" he replied.
"I've been wanting to all night."
He leaned over and kissed me. I kissed back. He moved away, then came back for another. Then another.
Then he got out the car.
Then he came back into the car again.
"Just one more," he pleaded.
With delight, I was much obliged. This kiss was a bit longer and sensual.
When it ended he kinda hovered in the space between the door and the inside of me car.
"Let me walk you to your car," I said.
We both got out. I don't remember what time it was but it had to have been sometime after midnight. We stood there in the foggy parking lot.
My hands rested on his shoulders ( he was a little taller than me) and we embraced one another. In front of God, the parking lot security guard, and the random car that passed by, we kissed. That was the first time I kissed another man outside of a bedroom or an enclosed space shielded from society's eye. I wasn't ashamed of the fact that I liked him. In fact, I was proud. In fact, I was more than happy to share that moment with the entire world, or at least the world of a JC Penny parking lot at 1:00 in the morning. Because that one moment felt so right, no one could have possibly taken it away from me.
THE END OF THE DATE
After hugging and kissing for about 5 to 10 minutes we parted ways. We kept it classy. We both wanted each other. We felt each other's desire. We also felt the desire in our pants poke each other as we hugged. LOL But I digress. We left it at that and went our separate ways. He had a 30 minute drive waiting for him and I had an hour long drive ahead of me. So yeah, it was a good first date.
Monday, March 14, 2011
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
BOYFRIEND?
So, I Think I May Actually Have A Boyfriend.
We met on Craigslist of all places, and no, it wasn't a hookup. We exchanged a couple emails. Texted. Talked. Then we finally met.
It was a great first date. We went to the mall and had dinner and saw a movie. Simple, right? And when we kissed at the end of the night, I think I floated a little. Then we parted ways for about two weeks for various reasons, keeping in contact all the while, and just yesterday, we had a second date. It wasn't quite as magical as the first, but we did have sex.
Part of me regrets having sex with him on the second date. I feel like having sex too early can jinx a relationship. But the other part of me is wondering if I'm putting too much into this relationship. I haven't had a boyfriend before. And though I feel as though we are making a great connection, he hasn't completely given me the green flag on him being my boyfriend. After we had sex, I asked him, if this meant we were seeing each other exclusively, and he was hesitant. Mostly because of the distance issue.
I stay about an hour and a half away from him. We meet in a city that is 30 minutes away from him, and 50 mins away from me. To me this works pretty well. A 50 min. drive doesn't seem like much to me. Though, I have been doing most of the giving and sacrificing in the relationship. I really like this guy, and I hope he likes me as well. We have a lot of things in common and when I'm with him I'm truly happy, but I can't shake this overwhelming sense of doom
He's A Little Reserved
I put my intentions out there, and let him know how I feel, more or less. But he doesn't. I feel as though he likes me, but doesn't say it. It's kinda like he's playing hard to get, and it is driving me crazy. Maybe I'm just being too expressive. Maybe I'm getting caught up in the fact that his is my first boyfriend. Maybe he should actually be my boyfriend before I label him as mine.
We met on Craigslist of all places, and no, it wasn't a hookup. We exchanged a couple emails. Texted. Talked. Then we finally met.
It was a great first date. We went to the mall and had dinner and saw a movie. Simple, right? And when we kissed at the end of the night, I think I floated a little. Then we parted ways for about two weeks for various reasons, keeping in contact all the while, and just yesterday, we had a second date. It wasn't quite as magical as the first, but we did have sex.
Part of me regrets having sex with him on the second date. I feel like having sex too early can jinx a relationship. But the other part of me is wondering if I'm putting too much into this relationship. I haven't had a boyfriend before. And though I feel as though we are making a great connection, he hasn't completely given me the green flag on him being my boyfriend. After we had sex, I asked him, if this meant we were seeing each other exclusively, and he was hesitant. Mostly because of the distance issue.
I stay about an hour and a half away from him. We meet in a city that is 30 minutes away from him, and 50 mins away from me. To me this works pretty well. A 50 min. drive doesn't seem like much to me. Though, I have been doing most of the giving and sacrificing in the relationship. I really like this guy, and I hope he likes me as well. We have a lot of things in common and when I'm with him I'm truly happy, but I can't shake this overwhelming sense of doom
He's A Little Reserved
I put my intentions out there, and let him know how I feel, more or less. But he doesn't. I feel as though he likes me, but doesn't say it. It's kinda like he's playing hard to get, and it is driving me crazy. Maybe I'm just being too expressive. Maybe I'm getting caught up in the fact that his is my first boyfriend. Maybe he should actually be my boyfriend before I label him as mine.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
In the Gay World, I'm Ugly
I Feel Like I'm So Ugly
No matter where I turn, the only images I see within gay culture are of attractive, physically fit men. They're so perfect. Even on dating sites, it seems like everyone is so fit and beautiful. A couple asked me to have a threesome with them but I had to turn them down because I know they wouldn't want me. I've put up ads on craigslist just to have people reply to the ad, then turn me away after seeing my picture. In other words they ask for a picture and never respond back.
But I Don't Feel Ugly
I think I'm good looking, but the problem is, everyone else is way better looking than I am. It makes me want to cry. I'm not grotesquely overweight or anything. I work my butt off. And I try to eat right, but I still can't reach everyone else.
It makes me feel like shit. It makes me even more depressed, and it makes me feel like I'll be alone forever. That, or I'll end up with someone who I don't love at all, just because I'm desperate.
Who Do You Pray to When God Hates Fags
I just feel like God doesn't even love me. I can't begin to explain the feelings of overwhelming desparity that I feel on nights like this. I've been alone for about 12 years now. I've never been in love. All these things that I want to go out and get but it just seems so far away, locked up in this cage.
So Many Feelings
It just makes me feel so many emotions. Anger, jealously, self-hatred. All I want is to be loved for who I am by someone whom I can relate to and see eye to eye with. But there's no one out there for me. No one in this piss ant of a place I call home. No one to talk to about my feelings. No one. It's slowly killing me.
The loneliness makes me depressed, so I fill that void with recklessness and then the recklessness leads to more sadness and the cycle continues. I just want to give up so badly.
No matter where I turn, the only images I see within gay culture are of attractive, physically fit men. They're so perfect. Even on dating sites, it seems like everyone is so fit and beautiful. A couple asked me to have a threesome with them but I had to turn them down because I know they wouldn't want me. I've put up ads on craigslist just to have people reply to the ad, then turn me away after seeing my picture. In other words they ask for a picture and never respond back.
But I Don't Feel Ugly
I think I'm good looking, but the problem is, everyone else is way better looking than I am. It makes me want to cry. I'm not grotesquely overweight or anything. I work my butt off. And I try to eat right, but I still can't reach everyone else.
It makes me feel like shit. It makes me even more depressed, and it makes me feel like I'll be alone forever. That, or I'll end up with someone who I don't love at all, just because I'm desperate.
Who Do You Pray to When God Hates Fags
I just feel like God doesn't even love me. I can't begin to explain the feelings of overwhelming desparity that I feel on nights like this. I've been alone for about 12 years now. I've never been in love. All these things that I want to go out and get but it just seems so far away, locked up in this cage.
So Many Feelings
It just makes me feel so many emotions. Anger, jealously, self-hatred. All I want is to be loved for who I am by someone whom I can relate to and see eye to eye with. But there's no one out there for me. No one in this piss ant of a place I call home. No one to talk to about my feelings. No one. It's slowly killing me.
The loneliness makes me depressed, so I fill that void with recklessness and then the recklessness leads to more sadness and the cycle continues. I just want to give up so badly.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Last Night's Hookup: My Proudest Mistake
Last Night
I gave in to my male urges and hooked up with a guy. As I said before, I don't like to hookup, but I'm compelled to. My junk radiates if I don't get sexual healing. Really. It's such a powerful urge, and because there isn't a significant other in my life I have to get out that sexual energy somehow. And as we all know, sometimes masturbation just doesn't cut it.
So there I was, at this strange guy's house.
He offered me some weed. I opted to have a drink instead. I had never tried weed before, but the thing that stopped me was the fact that I had an hour long drive to look forward to after everything was done. That's right. I drove an hour and 15 minutes to have sex with a stranger. In the rain no less. But I digress.
He told me he was into spanking. I said, ok. "I always wanted to try it," I said. He then began to smoke and he called me over. I turned around and he pulled down my pants to my ankles and began to, for lack of a better word, molest me. I must admit, it was a bit sexy to see him puffing smoke and getting horny, as he travel all over my body with his hands. But in the back of my mind, I knew I would regret this. I always did. I got on my knees...
So after that, he began to spank my bare ass. First with a belt and then with a paddle. The paddle began to sting, but it turned me on. Then he took me outside. He said that he had family sleeping on the other side of the house. Just to be safe, he wanted to take me outside for the paddling. I played along and went outside into the cold night air. Drops of rain dripped down on my bare skin as he began to administer more punishment. I was a little ashamed. To be outside, looking out on his acres of land. Having a strange man paddle me, while his family could come out at any time. Without a doubt, it turned me on. Then it started to hurt badly. I was a beginner to all of this paddling stuff, so we went back inside. I hopped on the bed and so did he. We began to fondle each other and toy with each other. Then he climbed on top of me.
"Do you have a condom?" I said.
"No, I don't have any. Do you?"
"No."
"Well, let me just stick it in a little. I promise I won't cum inside you."
"Ummm, no, that's okay."
After that, he climbed on top of me in several positions and began to try and force it inside of me. He began to get a little bit forceful.
"Just let me stick it in a little bit."
"No," I said, as he continued to try and overpower me.
He didn't try to rape me . . .
He wasn't trying to rape me or anything, but he was being forceful. And he continued to beg me to put it in. An odd combination of whimpering and an attempt toward dominance. Saying that my ass was "so soft,"and that he promised he "didn't have anything."
He continued with that for about 10 or 15 minutes, but I wouldn't have it. I would not let him do anything unless he had protection, and I meant it.Then he gets up and begins to put his clothes back on. I couldn't believe it. What a jackass, I thought to myself.
Then I put all my clothes back on. He sat back in his chair and smoked once more. At this point, I was seriously regretting letting him drive me up here. All I wanted to do was to get back in my car and head home with the speakers blaring. But I couldn't. My car was a little less than a mile away and I was out in the woods. He drove a Mercedes and had a nice house though, so I thought he couldn't be a serial killer. I'm much too trusting.
So he gets out of his chair and begins to look around the room.
"Why didn't you tell me you didn't have any condoms?" I asked.
He went to the back of the room and pulled out a suitcase. I begin to worry a little. Was he pissed that I refused to do bareback. Was he going to pull out something to make me obey. He was into being dominant after all. Then he went to his bookbag. He pulled out a box of condoms.
"I'll be dam." I thought to myself. "This son-of-a-bitch had condoms all along"
He took his clothes off once more.
I did as well.
Pissed, horny, suspicious, and angry.
I was pissed, but I drove more than an hour to have sex, so I was going to have sex. Plus, if I wanted to leave, I would have to make him drive me. And that was something I don't think he would've done at that point. He put on the condom and got on top of me yet again. I reached back to make sure it was on, because I really did not trust him at this point.
"It's on!" he said.
I felt it anyway. It was indeed on. But he had lost his erection. According to him, the condom keeps him from getting it up. This wasn't a lie. It took him at least 30 minutes to get an erection again. When he did it was a race against time to put on another condom and get him to mount me. It was ridiculous. He wasn't even that good of a lover. Eventually, after about an hour of meaningless humping, I forced myself to cum. Then, 20 to 30 minutes after that, he came.
Worst Mistake Ever, But. . .
So, the whole night was full of mistakes. I shouldn't have driven more than an hour to have sex with a stranger. I shouldn't have allowed him to drive me up to his home. I shouldn't have let slept with him at all. But I can say that at the end of the night, I stayed true to my own principles. I was responsible. Even if it was the only responsible thing I did that night, I'm glad I did it. It feels really good, knowing that I didn't compromise, just because I was horny. I used the head on my shoulders, not the one between my thighs.
All in all, I saw a 24 hour sex shop on my way to his house. I should've just stopped there.
What I hate about it though. . .
I hate the fact that I know I'll probably have another hookup. And It's all because I'm in the closet. More on that later. . .
I gave in to my male urges and hooked up with a guy. As I said before, I don't like to hookup, but I'm compelled to. My junk radiates if I don't get sexual healing. Really. It's such a powerful urge, and because there isn't a significant other in my life I have to get out that sexual energy somehow. And as we all know, sometimes masturbation just doesn't cut it.
So there I was, at this strange guy's house.
He offered me some weed. I opted to have a drink instead. I had never tried weed before, but the thing that stopped me was the fact that I had an hour long drive to look forward to after everything was done. That's right. I drove an hour and 15 minutes to have sex with a stranger. In the rain no less. But I digress.
He told me he was into spanking. I said, ok. "I always wanted to try it," I said. He then began to smoke and he called me over. I turned around and he pulled down my pants to my ankles and began to, for lack of a better word, molest me. I must admit, it was a bit sexy to see him puffing smoke and getting horny, as he travel all over my body with his hands. But in the back of my mind, I knew I would regret this. I always did. I got on my knees...
So after that, he began to spank my bare ass. First with a belt and then with a paddle. The paddle began to sting, but it turned me on. Then he took me outside. He said that he had family sleeping on the other side of the house. Just to be safe, he wanted to take me outside for the paddling. I played along and went outside into the cold night air. Drops of rain dripped down on my bare skin as he began to administer more punishment. I was a little ashamed. To be outside, looking out on his acres of land. Having a strange man paddle me, while his family could come out at any time. Without a doubt, it turned me on. Then it started to hurt badly. I was a beginner to all of this paddling stuff, so we went back inside. I hopped on the bed and so did he. We began to fondle each other and toy with each other. Then he climbed on top of me.
"Do you have a condom?" I said.
"No, I don't have any. Do you?"
"No."
"Well, let me just stick it in a little. I promise I won't cum inside you."
"Ummm, no, that's okay."
After that, he climbed on top of me in several positions and began to try and force it inside of me. He began to get a little bit forceful.
"Just let me stick it in a little bit."
"No," I said, as he continued to try and overpower me.
He didn't try to rape me . . .
He wasn't trying to rape me or anything, but he was being forceful. And he continued to beg me to put it in. An odd combination of whimpering and an attempt toward dominance. Saying that my ass was "so soft,"and that he promised he "didn't have anything."
He continued with that for about 10 or 15 minutes, but I wouldn't have it. I would not let him do anything unless he had protection, and I meant it.Then he gets up and begins to put his clothes back on. I couldn't believe it. What a jackass, I thought to myself.
Then I put all my clothes back on. He sat back in his chair and smoked once more. At this point, I was seriously regretting letting him drive me up here. All I wanted to do was to get back in my car and head home with the speakers blaring. But I couldn't. My car was a little less than a mile away and I was out in the woods. He drove a Mercedes and had a nice house though, so I thought he couldn't be a serial killer. I'm much too trusting.
So he gets out of his chair and begins to look around the room.
"Why didn't you tell me you didn't have any condoms?" I asked.
He went to the back of the room and pulled out a suitcase. I begin to worry a little. Was he pissed that I refused to do bareback. Was he going to pull out something to make me obey. He was into being dominant after all. Then he went to his bookbag. He pulled out a box of condoms.
"I'll be dam." I thought to myself. "This son-of-a-bitch had condoms all along"
He took his clothes off once more.
I did as well.
Pissed, horny, suspicious, and angry.
I was pissed, but I drove more than an hour to have sex, so I was going to have sex. Plus, if I wanted to leave, I would have to make him drive me. And that was something I don't think he would've done at that point. He put on the condom and got on top of me yet again. I reached back to make sure it was on, because I really did not trust him at this point.
"It's on!" he said.
I felt it anyway. It was indeed on. But he had lost his erection. According to him, the condom keeps him from getting it up. This wasn't a lie. It took him at least 30 minutes to get an erection again. When he did it was a race against time to put on another condom and get him to mount me. It was ridiculous. He wasn't even that good of a lover. Eventually, after about an hour of meaningless humping, I forced myself to cum. Then, 20 to 30 minutes after that, he came.
Worst Mistake Ever, But. . .
So, the whole night was full of mistakes. I shouldn't have driven more than an hour to have sex with a stranger. I shouldn't have allowed him to drive me up to his home. I shouldn't have let slept with him at all. But I can say that at the end of the night, I stayed true to my own principles. I was responsible. Even if it was the only responsible thing I did that night, I'm glad I did it. It feels really good, knowing that I didn't compromise, just because I was horny. I used the head on my shoulders, not the one between my thighs.
All in all, I saw a 24 hour sex shop on my way to his house. I should've just stopped there.
What I hate about it though. . .
I hate the fact that I know I'll probably have another hookup. And It's all because I'm in the closet. More on that later. . .
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Cracking the Door Open
Hey, I'm gay.
I've finally come to a point in my life where I can at least admit that to myself. The problem is, admitting it to others.
So, I'm in the closet.
That sounds very unlike me. "In the closet." But it is me for the moment. I mean, I'm not in self denial. I'm not praying for this to go away anymore, and I'm not dating girls or hoping it's just a faze. I know I'm gay. I like being gay. I like to kiss dudes.
But at the same time, no one knows. Well, actually, 3 people know:
-The Blood Donor Lady
She was the absolute first person that I "legitimately" came out to. I say legit because I verbally admitted having sex with men to her. It was a cathartic moment for me, that ended up a bit traumatic. (That story will be in another blog.)
-My Counselor
The woman I see in therapy is so kind. And really encouraging. I'm so glad I have the opportunity to speak with her. Having someone to talk to outside the door, makes the closet a little less lonely.
-My Mother
I wrote her a letter, and cried. She said she loved me, but didn't believe me.
There's another category in terms of people that know I'm gay, but I don't count them. It's the dozen or so sexual partners I've had. Nothing concrete. Purely sexual for the most part. I've used other men, and they've used me. I always hated myself after. Not because of the act of having sex with another man. But the thought of doing it without any emotional attachment. Barely knowing the person. Having only met through pictures and emails. Maybe a few texts. It's disgusting. But it's how I survive. I seek love in the form of sex, and it's getting me nowhere. I need to change things up rather quickly. Hopefully, this blog will be the start. Hopefully, you people will happen upon this blog and read the things I have to say. Some things may be hard to hear. Others may bring tears to your eyes or joy to your heart. Either way, I hope you'll. . . well, I just hope you read it.
I've finally come to a point in my life where I can at least admit that to myself. The problem is, admitting it to others.
So, I'm in the closet.
That sounds very unlike me. "In the closet." But it is me for the moment. I mean, I'm not in self denial. I'm not praying for this to go away anymore, and I'm not dating girls or hoping it's just a faze. I know I'm gay. I like being gay. I like to kiss dudes.
But at the same time, no one knows. Well, actually, 3 people know:
-The Blood Donor Lady
She was the absolute first person that I "legitimately" came out to. I say legit because I verbally admitted having sex with men to her. It was a cathartic moment for me, that ended up a bit traumatic. (That story will be in another blog.)
-My Counselor
The woman I see in therapy is so kind. And really encouraging. I'm so glad I have the opportunity to speak with her. Having someone to talk to outside the door, makes the closet a little less lonely.
-My Mother
I wrote her a letter, and cried. She said she loved me, but didn't believe me.
There's another category in terms of people that know I'm gay, but I don't count them. It's the dozen or so sexual partners I've had. Nothing concrete. Purely sexual for the most part. I've used other men, and they've used me. I always hated myself after. Not because of the act of having sex with another man. But the thought of doing it without any emotional attachment. Barely knowing the person. Having only met through pictures and emails. Maybe a few texts. It's disgusting. But it's how I survive. I seek love in the form of sex, and it's getting me nowhere. I need to change things up rather quickly. Hopefully, this blog will be the start. Hopefully, you people will happen upon this blog and read the things I have to say. Some things may be hard to hear. Others may bring tears to your eyes or joy to your heart. Either way, I hope you'll. . . well, I just hope you read it.
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