BOYFRIEND?

So, I Think I May Actually Have A Boyfriend.

We met on Craigslist of all places, and no, it wasn't a hookup. We exchanged a couple emails. Texted. Talked. Then we finally met.
It was a great first date.  We went to the mall and had dinner and saw a movie. Simple, right? And when we kissed at the end of the night, I think I floated a little. Then we parted ways for about two weeks for various reasons, keeping in contact all the while, and just yesterday, we had a second date. It wasn't quite as magical as the first, but we did have sex.

Part of me regrets having sex with him on the second date. I feel like having sex too early can jinx a relationship. But the other part of me is wondering if I'm putting too much into this relationship. I haven't had a boyfriend before. And though I feel as though we are making a great connection, he hasn't completely given me the green flag on him being my boyfriend. After we had sex, I asked him, if this meant we were seeing each other exclusively, and he was hesitant. Mostly because of the distance issue.

I stay about an hour and a half away from him. We meet in a city that is 30 minutes away from him, and 50 mins away from me. To me this works pretty well. A 50 min. drive doesn't seem like much to me. Though, I have been doing most of the giving and sacrificing in the relationship. I really like this guy, and I hope he likes me as well. We have a lot of things in common and when I'm with him I'm truly happy, but I can't shake this overwhelming sense of doom

He's A Little Reserved

I put my intentions out there, and let him know how I feel, more or less. But he doesn't. I feel as though he likes me, but doesn't say it. It's kinda like he's playing hard to get, and it is driving me crazy. Maybe I'm just being too expressive. Maybe I'm getting caught up in the fact that his is my first boyfriend. Maybe he should actually be my boyfriend before I label him as mine.    

In the Gay World, I'm Ugly

I Feel Like I'm So Ugly

No matter where I turn, the only images I see within gay culture are of attractive, physically fit men. They're so perfect. Even on dating sites, it seems like everyone is so fit and beautiful. A couple asked me to have a threesome with them but I had to turn them down because I know they wouldn't want me. I've put up ads on craigslist just to have people reply to the ad, then turn me away after seeing my picture. In other words they ask for a picture and never respond back.

But I Don't Feel Ugly


 I think I'm good looking, but the problem is, everyone else is way better looking than I am. It makes me want to cry. I'm not grotesquely overweight or anything. I work my butt off. And I try to eat right, but I still can't reach everyone else.
It makes me feel like shit. It makes me even more depressed, and it makes me feel like I'll be alone forever. That, or I'll end up with someone who I don't love at all, just because I'm desperate.

Who Do You Pray to When God Hates Fags

I just feel like God doesn't even love me. I can't begin to explain the feelings of overwhelming desparity that I feel on nights like this. I've been alone for about 12 years now. I've never been in love. All these things that I want to go out and get but it just seems so far away, locked up in this cage.

So Many Feelings

It just makes me feel so many emotions. Anger, jealously, self-hatred. All I want is to be loved for who I am by someone whom I can relate to and see eye to eye with. But there's no one out there for me. No one in this piss ant of a place I call home. No one to talk to about my feelings. No one. It's slowly killing me.
The loneliness makes me depressed, so I fill that void with recklessness and then the recklessness leads to more sadness and the cycle continues. I just want to give up so badly.